I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
