Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
false alarm. still invincible.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
how drunk are you?
Several
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize
