I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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