I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Randomize
