I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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