walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
