the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
Pants 0. Shit 1.
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Randomize
