It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Watching her eat just hurts me
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
