my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
