I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
well most of my day revolves around power hour
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Randomize
