Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
