Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Contrary to popular belief alot of woman do actually enjoy sucking cock.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
