no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
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