Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
