You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
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