I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
