I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
