the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
Randomize
