i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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