so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
