Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Randomize
