I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I supernannyed him into submission
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
