So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
