She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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