And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
