Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
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