false alarm. still invincible.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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