Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Randomize
