4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
