since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
