He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Randomize
