So he says he needs "alone time" a day that he doesnt have to deal with anyone. should i be concerned?
I think in guy language thats " Im fucking someone else and dont want u catching me"
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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