White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
