cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Panties = found
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
