He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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