k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
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