Someone shit on the floor
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
