Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking ros�, bitch!
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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