I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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