hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Randomize
