I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Randomize
