Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
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