FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
