I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Randomize
