I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Randomize
