I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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