i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Randomize
