4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
