Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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