She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
