Just mADE A PArabola og urine
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
